First Proper Post

Today I have spent hours doing what now seems like very little for the time it has taken. Namely, got up and put on my cycling gear which can be a hugely demoralising task. To explain this I'll try to put you into the mind of me, of a morning, shortly before going out on the bike.

Ah good morning world. Ooh it's a nice day outside I see, perfect weather for a bike ride really. Up we get and first thing's first, clothing. Lets just pull these bib shorts on....(NOW for those who don't know what bib shorts are they're an all in one lycra cycling shorts/vest thing that is very low at the front - imagine a mankini with long legs. Any man looks ridiculous in just bib shorts, even the muscle bound ones on the websites selling them. So, imagine if you put Mr Bean in one and your not a million miles off the image I'm faced with in the mirror. In fact your not even one mile off, you're a squint of the eyes off seeing Mr Bean in a long legged mankini)
Aaaaahh *that's a sigh* one day you might grow into these Jamesy boy. Hey ho, next on is the cycling jersey (an almost skin tight tee shirt that zips right up to the Adam's Apple). Nice I would expect, if it were fighting to restrain bulging biceps and half unzipped showing a hint of the tanned, bulging, almost breast-like pectorial muscles of the beast within ............*long slow intake of breath*...............it's not. If anything it's a touch loose. Next summer we'll definitely get down the gym and stick to it this time won't we old boy!.....aaaaaahhh we won't though will we?No...... no we won't but it's good to keep saying that we will though, boosts the old short-term morale if you say it quickly and convincingly enough and immediately turn your attention to something else.....PINK PILLOW, CURTAIN, COBWEB, XBOX CONTROLLER, NEED TO POST THAT LETTER AAAaaaaaand we're done. Just don't read back. Never read back.  It's possible to somehow just put off the looming inevitable fact that we (the royal we) will be a puny cyclist forever but who knows, in the future there might be a magic pill that does it all for you, they're always making these massive advances in medicine. Yeeeesssss that's it, a magic pill. And who will be laughing at our funny little arms then? No-one that's who because you can't laugh when your in a headlock can you, especially not a muscle pill enhanced headlock. But what if they take the muscle tablets too? What then? We'll just take more won't we? We'll keep taking them until we've had every one in a headlock. Stop it I'm getting scared. OK right, so the clothes are on. Now for the shoes, there you are you little beauties, you were worth every penny.  My cycling shoes do look pretty sweet, I went for style over substance with those little sluts. The thing is with cycling shoes is that in order for them to lock on to the pedals, they have these things called cleats on the soles which are half inch thick triangular plastic clips that are just there. They're right in the middle on the sole of your shoe making it entirely impossible to walk in a way that doesn't suggest you're about  to exclaim to an A&E receptionist that you have "accidently fallen", bum hole first onto the bristly end of a toilet brush. Of course I have no idea what that would make you walk like, it's just a guess.  Let's just get these on my feet, pop the old skid-lid on my bonce and don't  forget the racing goggles - we don't want flies in our eyes while we're going along now do we. Shall we just check our appearance in the full length mirror before we leave. Wouldn't want to go out looking silly or anything...
Let me assure you that not many things short of your street being on fire make you NOT want to leave your front door more than the sight of yourself stepping, with the graciousness of a pissed up Tina Turner wearing chimps on her feet in an ice-rink, into view dressed like a shrink-wrapped praying mantis. In short you feel a bit of a cock.
So instead of leaving the house I decided that today's training could wait until I'd got all of my fundraising things done and out of the way. You may think that that shouldn't take all that long but HA I'm ready for that. I had no phone you see (at this time of writing I'm without a mobile because two weeks ago I lost it while on my stag do in Cardiff along with a roll of 6 crisp 20's that I won playing poker in a casino....after sitting down with only £20. And all that after making almost as much money on the same table the night before. Yes, yes I know what your thinking - i'm a legend, an absolute legend. And yes, it's fine, you can have a signed photograph of me staring  into the lens with my chin resting on my right hand clasped around my left fist, an intense look in my eyes that suggests there's an emphatically hot furnace of raw passion bubbling away inside me. Just send me your address). Not having a phone makes it quite tricky to do things such as organize teams to play in a football tournament on 10th July which has been set up to raise more money and awareness for my ride. HA! Slipped that little plug in there like it was an oily finger up and old sea captain's botty. He didn't notice it go in but he's 110% aware of it now it's been pointed out (mind the pun).
Setting up one of these blogs isn't a two minute job either you know and filling it in with something interesting to read and looking at stuff I could need on the bike ride and making a sandwich and doing the washing up and ringing Dale and having a wa......... never mind. Anyway don't say I don't do anything cos I DO. RIGHT. This is as much part of the fundraising as the cycling training itself. It's publicity inniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
           Well day one of the blog writing has gone well I think, I hope anyone reading this has formed the correct opinion that I am giving this bike ride business my absolute all. I also hope you might think about donating to the Teenage Cancer Trust (TCT) via my Just Giving page http://www.justgiving.com/James-Brandon1  It would be very much appreciated. OOOH OOOH before you go remember there's afore mentioned Mini World Cup 6 a side tournament going to be held on the Biddenham Upper School playing fields on the 10th July which is helping me to raise more money. Also on the bank holiday weekend in August the annual Matt Pearson Charity Cup Match is being played at the Ampthill Town FC ground on the Sunday 1pm-4pm. Whether you know anything about the charity or not you should still come down and bring your kids. It's a brilliant way to spend bank holiday Sunday, there's stuff to keep the kids entertained like face painting and there's a BBQ and a bar for the adults. All that as well as a footy match to watch and this year they're donating the money they raise to the TCT so get that straight in your diary
To end on a serious note I really do have to go and actually do some cycling now but  thank you so so much for reading and hopefully I'll have something else worth writing about soon.

LOVE YOU X X X X X
BYE