Why hallew thar darling. Nothing much to report from the last 12 days since I last put up a post really.The reason being that shortly after my last post I pulled a tendon in my left knee so right up until now I haven't been able to ride my bike. With all the extra spare time I've had (that is to say the time which hasn't been filled with preparation for my bike ride. Yes the bike ride that isn't so much creeping up as it is getting a piggy back off of Usain Bolt who is sprinting towards me and the ride is glaring at me over his shoulder with an intense silent menace in its eyes. Is it pointing at me?????? it is. It's bloody pointing at me. What's that noise? it's a clock.  Oh no, not again, not now MUUUUUUUUUUM).Sorry, I don't know what happened there. So as I was saying, I have noticed a few things. One of which is that it's strange, some of the things you do when you have a bit more time on your hands. Now I'm not sure but I think I might have needlessly had a wisdom tooth taken out.
As I write this I'm very much aware that there is place, in my mouth, where there used to be something and now there is nothing. What makes me so aware of this is the pain. It's an odd kind of pain. It almost feels sticky. What I mean by that is that it feels like I should be able to get rid of it by sucking at it and then spitting it out. But I can't. It's a bit like one of those farts that you've tried to leave somewhere quiet in Sainsbury's like by that fruit salad buffet bar thing. You tried to leave it there near the lonely, unappetising looking fruit in the salad bar that's not only been grotesquely disfigured at the hands and knife of some spotty Sainsbury's employee, and has then been forced to sit and stare wistfully at beautiful fruits it used to be like, it's friends maybe, it's family even. "I used to be one of them succulent satsumas. Firm and ripe I was, even by satsuma standards, they all said it you know", but to your frantic dismay the fart has followed you. It's followed you right out into the hussle and bussle that is the busy main aisle .You can't flap at it. Flapping away at your behind in an attempt to sever the invisible yet highly detectable, noxious tail you sprouted is the worse thing you can do. No you can't do that, that would be even more conspicuous than if a tv game show set sprung up all around you, complete with six foot neon bulbs that spell out FARTY MAN and Roy Walker climbed out from beneath the Aunt Bessies shouting, "Congratulations sir, you've managed to get quite a bit of your bowel gas up the nostrils of these lucky half dozen folk". So that is definitely out of the question and your acting skills are probably rubbish too. Whenever there's a pong in the air and you want to know who did it, look for the person who appears to be most disgusted. Their nose will be all scrunched up in an attempt to say, without words, "what dirty bastard has done that". Their gaze will be darting around as if they might be able to see a visual trail of the offending fumes and they'll probably be making noises like  they are trying to blow a fly from their lip. That's your man right there. Nothing screams FARTER than someone acting all offended. Or it could be a woman. They would have you believe otherwise and they deny it to the bloody end, but when there's only two people in the room you do wonder how statistically probable it is that the cat only ever lets off when there is a lady present.
Where was I? So this pain right. It's a sticky pain. I can't seem to get rid of it and I think it'll probably be sticking around for a while yet.
I think the only reason I started to notice that something might be wrong with my wisdom tooth because I had more time on my hands. I was sitting at home one day last week and felt the mildest of pain but then once I had noticed, that was it. Like a hi-tech missile to it's target, an alcoholic to a drink, a rat to a drain or Emu to bent-over celebrities bottom, my tongue would head for the bad tooth and wiggle it around. Any moment when my mind wasn't occupied, my tongue would start heading for the ever so slightly painful tooth. I'd be reading something and my tongue would start to curl backwards towards the tooth like an anaconda sliding towards it's prey. AAAHH that hurts. Then I'd be watching TV (television not transvestites that's tv's). Anyway, then I'd be watching tv's  TV and it would be drifting back. AAAHHH that hurts. It just kept doing it all the time and the more I did it the more it hurt and it started to become an issue. Take it from me, there are certain, shall we say, endeavours of the passionate variety that can be hindered immensely by a tongue that's hell bent on reaching backwards into ones own mouth instead of forward in the desired trajectory and I don't think I need to spell out what it is. But I will. KISSING. HA I was referring to kissing and you were thinking of something else (see I said you were forever lowering the tone, didn't I say). So your acting skills are rubbish......no wait we've done that, oh no I am totally lost.......Well anyway the point of the story is that at the beginning of the week that I've been forced to take off cycling I had a wisdom tooth and by the end of it, through not having enough to do, I do not have one. What's the old saying....."the devil makes work for idle hands" well in my case it should go "the devil makes work for idle tongues and my dentist".

I'm off to do exactly what the dentist said not to do and poke around in the hole in my gum with my tongue.
Bye

p.s. sorry if anyone was grossed out from reading this.